The Failure Monster
I am not a person who thrives on routine. My greatest talents shine ‘in the moment’, and since I’m a strengths-based coach, I do my best to align my work with my strengths. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean I get to avoid everything that I’m not naturally good at — I have goals for my growth as a person and a leader that require discipline, which is my nemesis.
My writing practice is a great example. I’ve learned through experience that the process of creating a new routine is ripe for self-sabotage, so I’ve spent most of this year sneaking up on a writing practice with the help of my coach. I’ve clarified why it is important to me, built up my motivation, identified a rewarding routine that keeps me focused, and set aside time in my week to prioritize this significant new aspect of my personal and professional growth.
I made a plan I felt confident I could maintain. After a month of successfully executing it, I sent out my first newsletter and made a commitment to all of you to publish monthly. By the time I hit send on my newsletter I had a plan for this month’s article and a graphic made to go with it. I felt on top of things.
You can guess where this is going… the universe scoffed at my plans. My husband developed a health issue and a bunch of new work landed in my lap. Weeks flew by with no time to write or even really think about writing. When I noticed my newsletter due date was looming just a few days ago, my stomach sank and my first reaction was to start kicking myself.
You’ve probably experienced this unpleasant stew of emotions in response to a situation where what you intended is just not in the cards — the feeling of failure seasoned with a sprinkle of shame, a dash of disappointment, and a soupçon of regret. Its awful.
The worst part is the cyclical and self-perpetuating nature of this feeling… these emotions sink their claws into you, making it harder and harder to get back to operating from a place of confidence and power.
This is a Failure Monster. See how unhelpful it is?
When I find myself on this downward spiral, I blame the “Failure Monster” — it’s not trying to help, it just wants to make me feel worse. Once I realize I’m under attack, I’m able to stop feeling like a victim of my circumstances and re-orient myself so that I can show up as the best version of myself again.
Does some of this sound familiar? If so, here are four methods you can use to evade the Failure Monster’s attack:
Reframe success by noticing all the stuff you did get done. Rather than being consumed by the negative feelings and focusing on your failures, deliberately turn your attention to the things you *did* get done. Here’s what it looks like for me: This month I showed up for my beloved when he needed me. I started exchanging voice memos with my sister who lives in Berlin and we’re talking more than we have in years. I learned some new hoop dancing moves. I kicked ass on the work I did for my clients. When I look at this list, I feel like a freaking rock star, ready to tackle anything.
Give yourself props for not making things worse. If you give up your healthy routines in order to accomplish an urgent but less-important goal, you’re feeding the Failure Monster its favorite dish. Sure, it’s whispering in your ear that you’re less important than whatever you haven’t gotten done, but it’s a liar and I encourage you to ignore it. Instead, give yourself a high-five every time you eat a healthy breakfast, take a walk, or go to bed with a cup of tea — the little things add up, and if you lose your good habits it’ll take longer to recover.
Keep resentment at bay. My dad often shares AA-isms with me, my favorite of which is this: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” This has become one of the most important rules I’ve adopted in my life: No Resentment Allowed. Eyerolls and exasperated sighs are monster-fuel, end of story. The fact is that you have a choice in every situation — not always the choices you want, but choices nonetheless. If you can take ownership for the choices you make, you can keep resentment from creeping in and stop feeding the monster.
Do fun stuff anyway. The truth is that there will always be stuff that needs doing, but the more you enjoy your life, the more you’re able to show up to the task at hand with your unique and powerful self. This last month I got a new dog, drove up to Phoenix for brunch with a dear friend, had a long lunch on a weekday with a friend who fuels my fire, and went for a picnic by a creek. Technically I could have spent all that time writing, but the result would have been mediocre and I would have felt like an even bigger failure. Instead of feeling guilty, I gave myself time to enjoy my life and the idea for this piece showed up in the nick of time.
One final note: as leaders, one of the most important things we do is model habits for our teams. If we always put our personal needs to the side and fixate on what we didn’t get done, we teach the people around us that they need to do the same and our whole culture slowly devolves into martyrdom. The next time the Failure Monster grabs hold of you, put on your Ringmaster hat and give it the boot, not just for yourself but for everyone around you.