Celebrate the “B”
How to let imperfection make you a better person.
Evidently, when I was in elementary school, I took my grades very seriously. I don’t remember this phase of my life, because by the time I got to high school and college, I was not the world’s most dedicated student. When I did my master’s program a few years ago, however, I was incredibly driven — so much so that it surprised me. I mentioned this to my dad, who told me that my experience reflected my earliest days in school.
The letter “B” drawn in fireworks
He told me I was so obsessed with good grades, in fact, that he worried how I would react when I finally fell short of “straight-A’s.” Unbeknownst to me, he made a plan for this eventuality, and when I came home with my first “B”, he announced that it was cause for a party, and the whole family went out to dinner and ordered my favorite dessert to celebrate! Evidently it worked so well that I didn’t even remember this perfectionist part of my life — what a parenting win :-D
I’m in the middle of reading Mindset for the A-Ha! Book Club (the meeting is this Sunday if you want to download it or listen this week and join in…), and it makes me grateful that my dad taught me to celebrate being imperfect. As I grew up, I didn’t have any expectations that I needed to or could be perfect at everything, so I got to spend my energy and effort on the things that mattered most to me. I was not an honors student, but I was in the marching band and got to work in a circus. I didn’t go to an elite college, but I met my spouse of over 20 years on the steps of our dorm. I tend to think that life has a way of unfolding as it should, and I have a lot of faith that if I put my efforts into the things that are important to me — not to anyone else — then I’ll excel where it’s important.
As we enter the new year, it’s easy to take a negative view of ourselves, to feel like we are not living up to our full potential. “New Year, New You” is a phrase I see every year, and I always think it’s kind of absurd.
In my opinion, January is a terrible time to make resolutions*. Everyone is “hung over” from the holidays in one way or another. We are suffering the consequences of over-indulgence of food, drink, and sugar. We suffer from the over-stimulation of all the good, bad, and bizarre feelings that the holidays have stirred up. Then, on top of the mountain of emails and postponed to-do lists we need to sort through, we’re supposed to become new, improved versions of ourselves?
I vote we give ourselves a break. Let’s celebrate a “B” for January. Give up feeling inadequate and kick those resolutions down the road a bit to a time when they make sense for you. Figure out what “good enough” looks like and aim there — there’s lots of time in the year for self-improvement.
I prefer to make resolutions for my birthday, which is conveniently in the spring. I find the lengthening days and new growth an inspiring time to meaningful change. There’s time for me to notice how I am showing up in the new year and figure out where a change will have the best impact in my life. Plus, it’s the beginning of my new year, which feels more appropriate for big commitments to myself.
If you have a ritual or tradition around New Year’s that makes you feel like a powerful unicorn, then I fully support you! But if you’re more acquainted with the time-honored tradition of suffering a nagging sense of guilt or shame that is driven by who you should be, then I vote you give yourself a break.
Let’s celebrate a “B” for January. Give up feeling inadequate and kick those resolutions down the road a bit to a time when they make sense for you. Figure out what “good enough” looks like and aim there — there’s lots of time in the year for self-improvement.
Then, when you’re ready for a resolution you can reasonably follow through on, here’s how to set yourself up for success:
Be specific. “Get organized, exercise more, spend more time with family, etc” don’t give you a goal to reach for, they just provide a great opportunity to feel like you’ve failed to do enough. If you want to accomplish something, you must be able to measure it. “Use a to-do app to record my tasks; do 10 minutes of Yoga every morning; shut down work at 5:30 to be present with my family” are much clearer, and you’ll know when you’re successful and can feel good about yourself.
Choose things you want to do. If you’re making a resolution because you “should” then it’s the wrong resolution. No one else gets to tell you how to live your life, so think about what would make you happier and how you can turn that into something you want to do. When I gave up sugar, I had to reframe it as wanting to stop feeling tired or anxious, because when I thought about giving up sweets it felt like a “should”.
Reframe “failing” into “experimenting.” Want to work out every morning? Try a few different kinds of workouts to see what you enjoy and will be willing to do when you don’t really feel like it. Giving up dairy? Start incorporating plant-based milks in your life before you quit the cow completely. Need to be more organized? Go read reviews of different apps or theories to see how they work for other people. Committing to real change requires iteration and “failing” until you learn what works for you.
Plan ahead. What are the major obstacles to your success likely to be? How will you be prepared to handle them? What fears or apprehensions do you have about your resolution? What are you excited about? If you’re giving up something major, figure out what your go-to replacement will be for a while. Making big changes to your life requires big thinking and feeling, so do take the time to think and/or talk it through before you commit.
Ask for help. Involve other people to help you stay accountable. Tell your friends and family what your plan is and when you intend to start. This will create some accountability pressure that will help you follow through. I was a smoker in my 20s, and whenever someone told me I should quit, I replied that I would quit by the time I was 30. I tried to quit at 29 and didn’t make it 2 days… but 5 days before I turned 30 I gave them up for good, because I couldn’t stand the thought of making a liar out of myself!
So, what resolution do you want to make? And when is the right time for you to start? If the answer to either of those questions is “I don’t know!”, then let’s connect — I’d love to help you think it through and create a plan that gives you the best chance for success.
Hanna (at) RingmasterConsulting.com
*If you love New Year’s Resolutions and they work for you, then I salute you, magical unicorn! You do you!