Building a Relationship with Yourself
Leadership is all about relationships — with your followers, peers, supervisors, colleagues, network, etc. Even outside of work our lives are filled with and defined by the relationships we have with others: spouse, parent, friend, child, sibling…
It is easy to wind up in a place where we define ourselves completely in relationship to others. And that can be a surprisingly lonely place to be.
I believe that there’s another relationship that often gets neglected, but which is foundational to success in all other relationships: the relationship you have with yourself.
I’m curious — is this something you’ve thought about? I know, I know… you have all these other commitments, and they take precedence! Since you are yourself, you can understand and forgive when you fail to show up in this relationship, right?
Sure — up to a point. But ultimately you are the only person who can ensure you have what you need to live up to the commitments you’ve made. You can’t outsource or delegate it, and you can’t expect someone else to anticipate and meet your needs. I mean, you can try… but it won’t work.
I’m not talking about self-care the way culture has come to understand it. Sure, a manicure or a massage is a pleasant way to pass some time and will unwind you a bit, but it won’t make up for a consistent pattern of neglect.
So how is your relationship with yourself? Do you have unrealistic expectations? Do you take yourself for granted? Or do you have the kind of healthy, aware, and compassionate relationship that allows you to show up fully in all other areas of your life? If not, then read on…
Here are 4 ideas for how you can better invest in and nurture your relationship with yourself:
1. If your relationship with yourself needs a lot of work, then start small. Give yourself a 15-minute break to get outside for some fresh air or start off your day with a tall glass of water (we’re mammals, and all of us require both sunshine and water!).
2. If work has taken over your life, find a way to take a little time back — I was coaching a client this week who often comes into the office on Saturdays to catch up on work without interruption. But the reality is that they’ll never take equivalent time off during the week to make up for it. After a bit of brainstorming, we settled on a fun new habit that felt both restorative and reasonable: take a 30-minute reading break every day (or at least most days) to unplug from work and read a little fiction. Where might you carve out a bit of space to nourish yourself?
3. If you’re like me and strongly prefer to take care of anyone but yourself, you might struggle to look inward and discover what it is you need to give yourself. How’d I get around it? It’s a little wacky, but it worked: Meet your alter ego. Create an email address for them. You’ll feel completely absurd, but power through the awkwardness and write them an email telling them that they’re important to you, that you don’t want to neglect them, and ask how you can support them. Then go sign into their email account, hit reply, and see what comes out!
(My alter ego is incredibly astute — I write her whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed or stuck and she comes up with great solutions that are pretty hard for me to dismiss or ignore 😂)
4. If your relationship with yourself is pretty solid, but you know there’s still room for improvement, you can take yourself on a date, and make a habit of it! When I was just starting my business, I scheduled a monthly date with myself — I went to a nice, dimly-lit restaurant, ordered a delicious meal, and brought a notebook (not a computer!). The ritual gave me space and time to think expansively. Plus, naming that I needed that time and attention for myself and getting the support of my husband to invest in it reminded me that he was in my corner. If you want to take this to another level, you can take yourself on a retreat — book 4 days in another city and give yourself three 2-hour sessions a day to work, no more. The rest of the time, be on vacation and enjoy your own company.
These are just a few ideas to help build your relationship with yourself. And I want to hear your ideas! What have you done to build a healthy, aware, and compassionate relationship with yourself? Email me at Hanna@RingmasterConsulting.com.