Blameworthy
I’m someone who thinks better out loud — thinking or reading alone doesn’t provide the kind of spark that conversation does, and it rarely activates my creativity in a way that leads to the insightful connections I’m known for.
This self-knowledge is what inspired the A-Ha! Book Club. Not only does it hold me accountable to actually reading books that seem interesting, it also gives me a chance to discuss the concepts of the books with some of the brilliant people in my network. And it’s the “A-Ha!” moments that stay with me long after the content of the book recedes into the void of memory.
In the last A-Ha! Book Club meeting, we discussed Leadership and Self-Deception, a quick, easy, fun read that lays out a framework to describe how we sabotage ourselves. I enjoyed reading it, but I know without the discussion it would have faded quickly from my mind.
Our conversation led to a lightning-bolt moment that is still with me. The shared energy of our conversation managed to transform a vaguely interesting concept into a *gut-check* statement that I can’t stop thinking about, even two-and-a-half months later. Honestly, when I heard these words fall out of my mouth, I was kind of stunned. I made everyone pause for a moment while I wrote it down!
Oof. I’m certainly guilty of this. Less so than I used to be, but it still hits close to home.
Does it sound familiar to you? Because it comes up with my clients a lot. Some feel guilty about giving someone fair feedback they absolutely need to hear. Some blame themselves when someone turns out to be a bad fit for the team. Others are afraid of asking for what they need because they’re worried the reaction will be bad.
The trouble is, when we blame ourselves, we aren’t avoiding blame at all! In fact, we are ensuring we receive blame! Which *never* contributes to us being our best, smartest, strongest, most effective selves. (And honestly, blaming other people is a pretty ineffective strategy anyway, so if you find yourself in an environment where the finger gets pointed at anyone who makes a mistake, it might be time to think about whether you want to stay there!)
Now, to clarify, there’s a difference between self-sabotaging blame and taking responsibility for our actions, but the difference is easy to spot. Self-blame usually comes before an action takes place, and typically makes us reluctant to take necessary action. Taking responsibility for the impact of our actions (intended or unintended) happens after we’ve acted.
If you fall prey to the “blame yourself before someone else can blame you” phenomenon, here are 3 things you can do to work on breaking the habit:
Notice it. The first step to correcting any problem is to create awareness about it. If you’re someone with a blind spot in your mirror, ask a colleague or close friend to help you catch yourself in the act. It won’t interrupt the habit right away, but it will help you keep from beating yourself up until you’re bruised.
Check your thinking. Before you go too far down the road of feeling like a schmuck, ask someone you trust what they think of the situation. Be neutral about it — just present the conundrum and see what they think would be a reasonable response. After you’ve heard their thoughts, you can share your blamey feels and they’ll probably reassure you that they are misplaced.
Rip off the band-aid. Do the thing you’re scared of sooner rather than later. Because self-blame tends to live in the anticipation phase, the less time you give it to linger, the better. ‘Cuz if you’re gonna feel bad about something, let it be about something you did, not something you might eventually do!
Remember — there’s nothing bad or blame-worthy about telling people things they need to hear (including how they can support you in being your best!).
And I’d love to see you in my next book club! You never know what wisdom is going to arise from the merging of minds… Find upcoming books and dates HERE.